Nov 26

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

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If I were independently wealthy, I would be an inventor. Like Doc Brown in Back to the Future, I’d have a nifty little workshop out back of my house. Just no crazy hair or kooky glasses. I mean, I’d be an inventor with style. But seriously, I could invent so many things. Having kids creates so many needs for things. I could win the Nobel Prize for Awesome Gadgets that make a Mom’s life easier.  For instance:

A Burnt On Marshmallow Remover for the Glass on Your Gas Fireplace
Right? Do you feel me? How the f%$k am I supposed to get this burnt on sugar off the glass after #2 thought it might be a good idea to try and roast marshmallows on our fully enclosed glass gas fireplace. And that sh#t is just burning on more and more every time we turn the damn thing on. I went at it yesterday for a half an hour with a cloth and it is cooked on.

Stuffy Detector
Imagine this. Its bedtime. Teeth are brushed, PJs are on. Shorty is sufficiently tucked. But wait, something’s missing. Something vital and crucial to a successful bedtime routine. Insert super cute and/ or weird name for your Shorty’s favorite cuddly toy. Its not in the bed, not in the toy box, not in the overflowing stuffy basked (or whatever vessel you choose to store those God forsaken dust collectors). Terror strikes. Where is it??? You frantically retrace your steps of the day. Is it in the car? In the back pack? At the daycare? Or worse… is it completely lost? Some parents are smart enough to have back-ups of the favorites but not with my kids. The favorite changes every few days. How the hell am I supposed to remember who the crowned favorite is today? They all need a geo-tracking device. Then all you need to do is boop boop on your smart phone and the thing starts pinging on a map. I mean, it wouldn’t get you into the daycare at 9:00 in the evening. But at least you’d know where it is. We can start a whole daycare break-in service just to save exhausted parents the trauma and spring those waylaid toys and get them home before you can say “Go the f$%k to sleep.”

Automatic Toilet Cleaner
This is almost self-explanatory. I’m not talking about those lame blue pucks you put in the back of the toilet. I mean a real scrubbing experience because with kids everything goes everywhere. For real. A proper toilet cleaning requires more than simply some disinfecting water swirling around. From the handle to the pedestal and if you have boys then everywhere else in a 5 foot radius needs a proper scouring to be truly effective. And while we’re at it, lets throw in a splash guard for little ones learning to use the potty and need to work on their aim. This could be fabulous for boys and girls. Think about it. I need this. You NEED this!

Morning Kid Mover
This device would be able to detect what parts of the morning routine that your kids have not yet completed. It would make an announcement to remind each kid of what tasks they need to complete before its time to leave for school. I hate mornings. The nagging, the pleading, the begging, the yelling. I would gladly give this task to a machine so I can just be the good guy delivering breakfast. Imagine:

8:15am “First born child. Please pay attention. You must complete the following in the next 15 minutes. Eat breakfast, Brush your teeth, get dressed, pack your school bag, put on your coat and shoes. Please note that it is -15 C, so I recommend that you wear a warm coat, earmuffs and mittens.”

8:20am “First born child. You have not completed any of your morning tasks. You must depart for school in 10 minutes and I calculate that it will take 9 minutes, 30 seconds to complete all necessary tasks.”

8:25am “First born child. You cannot wear pyjamas to school. Your eggs are getting cold. You only have 5 minutes before you must depart for school and you are now in danger of being tardy.”

How awesome would that be??? I would LOVE not having to be the one doing the nagging.

Ahhh yes, I would be the stylish inventor creating to tools to make all of our lives a little easier. A girl can dream, right?

Nov 20

Reality Bites…

Ok.  I suck.  I am a bad bad bad blogger.  Everyone says “Best practices.  Blog at least twice week.”  Yeah, that is NOT my best practice these days.  Writing for me is feast or famine.  Sometimes I can see the humor and inspiration in everything.  Other times, it just doesn’t happen.  The truth is that right now, I just feel like everything I want to write about sounds whiny and douchey.

Like wahhh, I just cleaned up vomit and urine off the bathroom floor in the span of 10 minutes.  Or why does everyone in my family refuse to put dishes in the dishwasher, like they expect little elves will miraculously arrive and take care of this for them?  See what I mean.  The mundane realities of life with kids can be hilarious and most days it is.  But right now, I just feel vapid and sucky to complain.

The world can cast a dark pall on every day life.  My minuscule issues pale in comparison to those major life altering problems facing my friends and humanity.  Yes, very dark thoughts indeed.  I suppose finding the humor in the mundane is the only hope for forging through daily life with some sense of hope and perchance a sparkle of joy.  Laughing at reality is the only hope for surviving this drama called life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not sitting in a dark room feeling sorry for myself.  I just struggle sometimes with whether the words I put on paper are completely insensitive to the world spinning around me.  Like Kim Kardashian’s shiny, voluptuous backend on the cover of Paper Magazine in the midst of one of the largest campaigns for awareness of women’s rights and anti-objectification movements since Gloria Steinem banned the bra. See, I just struggle with that level of insensitivity…

So there you have it.  I am shiny big ass trying to make you laugh…

Thank you Jimmy Fallon & Brian Williams and all the very talented people that made this video. It did the trick for me today.

Oct 27

The Public Pee Pee

I do not dig germs.  I am almost a germophobe – ALMOST.  Public bathrooms make me squeamish even under the best possible circumstances (ie: freshly cleaned, no other participants in the communal etc) but the minute you add a toddler into the equation, shit just got real.

I am quite sure that any other visitor to any ladies room where Shorty #2 and I have made a visit would think I am COMPLETELY off my rocker.  From the minute we enter until at last we walk out, I throw a non-stop barrage of don’t-touch-thats, don’t-look-in-theres and don’t-sit-anywheres.  All of this could simply be avoided by the use of haz-mat suits but since those are not commonplace in the shopping mall/ restaurant/ airport we are visiting we’ll just have to do our best with toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Why is it that bathrooms, especially public bathrooms are such a fascination for a toddler?  I know, I know.  I get the humour behind poop, bum and fart jokes but honestly, the depository for feminine products is not a cool mailbox. “IT’S GROSS” I scream the minute a finger goes near the lid.

And don’t even get me started on the automatic flush toilets.  Why do they insist on flushing when you sit down rather than stand up?  For a Shorty, the moment when they, at last are able to sit on the toilet after all the running and rushing across the aforesaid public place to find the bathrooms (which are always conveniently located at the other end of the mall).  Imagine:

Shorty #2: “I have to go.”

Me: “Are you sure?”  *This is always necessary as many public bathroom visits are merely sightseeing tours into the unknown.

Shorty #2: “I gotta go BADLY.” (She crosses her legs.)

Me: “OK, lets go”

Shorty #2: “I can’t hold it.”

Me: “HOLD IT.”

And then I scoop her up and hightail it to the loo.  We get in breathless and dancing, waiting for a stall that is not either occupied, pre-fouled and/ or unflushed.  Finally, we make it in.  Every centimetre of exposed toilet seat covered with paper (for protection) and the Shorty is raised up to take her place on the throne – just in time for the automatic flusher to let ‘er rip.  Shorty shrieks thinking her little bum is about to be sucked down the drain.  Tears, turmoil and fear stop the bathroom experience in its tracks!  Then you get to dry your hands in the supersonic tornadic hand dryers from hell.  The whole mess is terrifying really.

Not to mention the problem of scale.  At home we are outfitted with step stools and special toilet seats to help with the necessary *ahem* ergonomics of a two year old using a toilet.  In a public potty, all bets are off that the angles are right and you’re lucky to not end up with pee shooting out of the toilet at YOU.  No kidding.  This happened.  In a restaurant.  On my designer shoes.  It was awesome (in a not very awesome way).

So the morale of the story?  Do anything and everything you can to HOLD IT ’til you get home!

 

Oct 16

Bad Blogger…

Me these days....

Me these days….

Jayzus!  I am a bad blogger.  I can’t even remember the last time I sat down and wrote a post.  I’ve been waiting for an inspiring reason to write (read: non-boring reason) but I just can’t seem to come up with anything that I feel is worthwhile.  So I guess I’ll write an apology instead.

Sorry.

There, are you happy?

Life just takes over sometimes and kids, career, husband, home maintenance, families and holidays take over my brain power and I simply don’t have the bandwidth to put it all down on paper (ok, laptop).  What can I say?

We’re fighting with the people that built our house over deficiencies which is SUPER FUN.  And when I say SUPER FUN, I mean in a total nightmare sort of way.  The work stuff is crazy as we just completed office renovations and are juggling unpacking and refurnishing with the daily chaos that is what we call in the music business Q4 aka the time when EVERYTHING happens.

The kids are completely obsessed by Halloween.  These are the most common phrases heard in our house these days:

5. “I want to be a cat for Halloween.  Can you get me a cat costume?  I know I wanted to be a Zombie Vampire Devil yesterday.  But now I want to be a cat.  Puuuhhhhlleeeazzze can you get me a cat costume.” – Shorty #1

4. “We need more decorations.” – Shorty #1

3. “This Halloween I want to be a Bumble Bee.  Next Halloween I want to be Spiderman.” – Shorty #2 who will clearly be disappointed when she realizes that successive Halloweens take place exactly one year apart.

2. “We don’t have enough decorations.  Can we go to the store and buy more?” – Shorty #1

And the #1 most heard phrase at our house these days:

1. “Is TODAY Halloween???” – Shorty #1 and #2

I’m continuously searching for a delicate way to explain that we have another two whole weeks of waiting!

We’re invited to a Gala on Friday night.  Which is lovely.  But no one can tell me what the expected dress code would be for said Gala.  I’m thinking then its perfectly acceptable to wear my fave Smythe blazer, jeans and heels.  RIGHT?  Please say yes.

Otherwise, its just life.  Day to day busy that all of you are experiencing too.  So just know that I love that you still come visit The R&R Mom and I love that you still care.  I promise that as soon as I can get my shit together and come up with a brilliant thing to write about, you’ll be the first to know.

XO

Sep 26

Hotel Awards

Regular followers of the R&R Mom know I am quite vocal about service when traveling, especially in hotels and on planes.  So it came to me that I should probably recognize some of my favorite places to stay with my first ever (and probably only) Hotel Amenities Awards.  So without further ado (even though there is hardly any “ado” anyways), here we go:

Best Hotel Bed – The Four Seasons Los Angeles

Let’s face it.  The reason MOST of us are staying at a hotel is for a place to sleep so the quality of the bed, bedding, mattress AND pillows is of the utmost.  The bed at the Four Seasons LA has the perfect pillow to bed size ratio and is just cushy and cozy enough to lull this jetlagged old bag off to a deep slumber.

Sleep...

Sleep…

Best Hotel Bathroom – TIE – The Sunset Marquis West Hollywood and The Cosmopolitan Las Vegas

The Sunset Marquis wins for best bathtub.  The Cosmopolitan wins for sheer size and layout.

Best Hotel Bathroom Amenities – TIE – The Chateau Marmont West Hollywood and the W Hotel Hong Kong

The Kiehls products stacked up at the Chateau Marmont overrides the tired old bathrooms in desperate need of an upgrade.  At the W in Hong Kong, its all about the quantity of items.  Dental kits, shaving kits, bathing kits.  This place would be heaven if you lost your luggage.

Best Hotel Towels – Claridges London

Big, soft, fluffy.  That in and of itself in a hotel towel is miraculous – but add in a fresh lavender scent and I’m in heaven.

Best Hotel MiniBar – The Thief Oslo

Clothing.  In the minibar.  Are you freaking kidding me?  It was like shopping in your room.  Another respite for weary luggageless travelers.

Best Breakfast – The Sofitel Buenos Aires

No matter what you order, they bring croissants and pain au chocolat and those awesome Argentine treats Alfajores (chocolate covered dulce de leche cookies – shut. the. f^&%. up they are delicious).  Not to mention the entire pot of dulce de leche on the table to slather on your toast.  Disclaimer – I was pregnant when I stayed here, can you tell?

Best Hotel Restaurant – Gemma at The Bowery New York

Baked eggs with avocado and prosciutto for breakfast?  Do I need to say more?

Best Hotel Bar – TIE Lobby Bar at The Bowery New York and Vertigo at The Banyan Tree Bangkok

You have to battle to get a table after 10pm but it is one of the coziest, sexiest bars I’ve ever been too.  Vertigo is on the 61st floor overlooking Bangkok.  Who cares what the drinks are like.  You’re so high up, you’re already buzzing from lack of oxygen!

Best Hotel Swimming Pool – TIE – The Sunset Marquis West Hollywood and The Four Seasons Los Angeles

Of course LA hotels have the best pools.  The Sunset Marquis has 2 but I prefer the upper pool near the restaurant as opposed to the one in the courtyard.  More sun and more fun.  The pool at the Four Seasons is on the 4th floor, gets sun all day and is sheltered from the wind enough that its usable almost year round.

Best Hotel Spa – Evason Six Senses Hua Hin Thailand

Outdoors comes indoors as geckos and frogs hop around the spa.  The Thai Yoga Massage was easily one of the best I’ve ever had.

 

 

 

 

Sep 12

Airplane Sleep

I’m a total chump.  Couldn’t help myself.  I caved like chocolate macaron in the hands of 5 year old.  I just became one of those people that I secretly mock and chastise.  I bought a neck pillow at the airport.  You know – the really soft, squishy kind that takes up loads of space in your carry-on and looks completely stupid when you wear it.

Well that's $20 I'm never getting back...

Well that’s $20 I’m never getting back…

I was heading to the gate before a 9 hour night flight in an economy seat knowing that on the other end I was going straight to work – sleeping on the plane was going to be necessary and I was willing to do anything to help facilitate that.  The truth is, $20 on a plushy pillow is not going to help for shit.  I was in for a crappy night’s sleep no matter what.

People carry these ridiculous pillows, take pills, wear eye masks and ear plugs all in an effort to sleep on the red-eye but that’s kinda why they call it the RED EYE.  Its never going to be restful until you’re settled in that little pod up in business class safely away from the plebs in coach battling out for armrests and recline space.  The reality is that in that confined economy seat you are at the mercy of those around you.  The seat grabber behind you, old recliner in front, the snorer beside you.  Not to mention the sweet lady on the other side who has now rested her head on your shoulder and is out cold.  All the way to New York.  (Yes, this happened to me.  And NO I didn’t say anything.  I’m Canadian.  I just screamed in my head WAKE UP!!!!!)  Nothing helps you escape those factors so you can fall into a peaceful slumber.  Not to mention the physical constraints of stretching out or finding enough recline in the seat so you don’t do the old head bob forward.  No.  The fact is you’re lucky if you get any sleep at all.

I wedge myself into the seat with knees up trying to find some sort of fetal position of comfort.  In the meantime, my neck is wrenched, my tailbone bruised from the armrests and I’ve taken a drink cart to the back of the head.  Ahh airplane sleep, you elusive mistress.  The statement “Don’t worry, you can sleep on the plane” is an outright lie and everyone knows it.  Instead I guess I’ll just catch up on all the TV and movies I’ve missed.

 

Sep 10

D-BAD: Grocery Store People

D-BAD aka DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Each week I get to call out someone/ someplace or something for being a total DOUCHEBAG.  Its when I get to vent and take out my frustration on whatever makes me nuts each week, are you in?  Feel free to share your D-BAD’S anytime!

Dear Grocery Store People:

This is all pretty simple.  Every week we get together, always at your place.  I bring piles of cash that I give to you in exchange for a lot of stuff.  I ask for very little in return except for just a couple very small obvious things…

1. Please don’t sell me food that is rotten.  Sure, it could be like a party game – did I get the lucky box of strawberries that’s all moldy in the centre?  I mean sometimes this happens and you don’t even know.  But when you have to forensically inspect every lick of produce before its in the cart, we kind of have a problem.

2. Hand sanitizer.  Please put it EVERYWHERE.   At the very least keep it around the raw meat – but everywhere would be preferred.  I mean, there is nothing more repulsive than picking up a pack of chicken dripping with bloody chicken juice.  I know I’m a germaphobe – but I am pretty sure I’m not alone in this.

That’s it.  That’s all I ask.  So listen Grocery Store People.  Get your shit together and DON’T BE A DOUCHE.

Love,

The R&R Mom

Sep 5

The Cans and the Cannots

My sense of personal style can be easily divided into 2 categories when it comes to keeping up with the latest fashion trends.  The Cans and the Cannots.  Its VERY simple.  As a young minded 40-something, there are looks I know I can pull off and some that, quite frankly are a stretch.  The latter are those looks that either (a) I simply cannot wrap my head around, or (b) look completely ridiculous on me.  There are lots of trendy fashion statements that I love (ie: the boyfriend jean – don’t ever quit me, the small leather backpack, fabulous over-the-knee boots) that I hope NEVER go out of style.  But there are some trends of late that I just CANNOT DO:

1. Ankle Boots with a Skirt – I want to do this.  SO. BAD.  But this is simply a case of not being able to wrap my head around it.  I love to see this look on other people or in magazines but when its my turn I just can’t do it.

2. High Waisted Jeans – well, this is a given.  To wear these you have to follow the 25 rule.  You cannot be over 25 or wear anything larger than size 25 jeans.

3. Really Low Waisted Jeans – for two very simple reasons.  #1 – I have a high butt crack.  This requires no further explanation.  #2 – I have a mommy belly that comes from birthing 2 live humans.  So suck it.  That is all.

4. Overalls – that old adage that you should never wear a trend twice is true.  By the time something like overalls comes back in the picture, it’s been 20 years and we are now far too old to pull this off.

5. Cut-Off Jeans – couldn’t do it when I was 15, couldn’t do it when I was 25 and I SURE AS HELL am not doing it now.  PS – why are they SO short this year?  I mean, I’m not a prude but to quote my grandmother “You can see everything she owns.”  Under NO circumstances is it ok to reveal labia.

Grandma's version of a perfectly acceptable outfit.

Grandma’s version of a perfectly acceptable outfit.  Elbows covered please!

6. Denim on Denim – aka The Canadian Tuxedo.  I feel like this is just TOO much denim.  It looks like a mistake.  “Everything else was in the laundry.”  Maybe I’m old school and since this used to be a fashion faux pas, I just can’t get into it.  Which is even more bizarre since I am clearly ok with my purse and shoes not matching, and I think mixing gold and silver jewelry is cool.  But for the record, I do struggle with white after Labor Day.

7. Hats – because, well if you read this you would know.

 

Sep 3

The Blog Tour: Its Like A Pyramid Scheme… But Better

So my friend the grifter, Miss Teen USSR nominated me for this thing called a “Blog Tour”.  est. 1975 nominated the Teen Beauty Queen (among other fab blogs) you can check it out here.  Like a great pyramid scheme, it is clearly expanding my horizons on the other most fabulous writers out there slogging it out on their laptops posting blogs that make me laugh, make me cry and make me think.  But before I share my favorite blogs, here are some answers to the obligatory questionnaire which will explain more about who I am and why I can’t stop writing.

PS – Of course I had to do this right away because I am an anal-retentive type-A control freak that can’t stand it when there’s something that needs to get done.

1. What Am I Working On?

Besides my day job, I’m trying to make a more concerted effort to promote The Rock and Roll Mom.  I’m not sure why as there really isn’t a grand plan in place.  I think its because I’m narcissistic.  (See what I did there?  I hyperlinked my own blog while writing a post for the same aforementioned blog.  Raging ego alert!)

2. How Does Your Work Differ From Other Work in Your Genre?

Its a disjointed, stream of consciousness collection of my random thoughts.  The only thing that ties it all together is me.  See?  Narcissist.

3. Why Do I Write What I Do?

I’m bossy and I over share.  The perfect combination for a narcissistic blog writer.

This is what I look like when I'm hard at work. But imagine smaller boobs, hunched posture and stray hairs popping out of that perfectly coiffed bun.

This is what I look like when I’m hard at work. But imagine smaller boobs, hunched posture and stray hairs popping out of that perfectly coiffed bun.

4. How Does Your Writing Process Work?

In the shower, falling asleep, driving – all places where I can’t actually write something down is usually when the inspiration strikes and then I write the blog in my head.  I run to the computer dripping wet, climb out of bed, pull the car over and I forget everything I thought of.  If I just sit at my computer waiting for an idea to come, I’m completely screwed.  Did I lift the veil a little too much there?

Three Blogs I Recommend:

I am a MAJOR fan of the two people I mentioned at the beginning of this blog.  They are funny and they are authentic.  So do yourself a favor and check them out.  In the meantime, here are 3 more writers that deserve your love:

The Queen of Green – Lindsay Coulter is a guardian of the planet.  She shares amazing tips and ideas for ways to live a greener, happier life.  I have a secret crush on her.  She too was a VancouverMom.ca Top 30 Mom Blogger this year and I was so starstruck, I couldn’t talk to her.

Robin Esrock (formerly Modern Gonzo) is a real legit published writer now, but you won’t be disappointed if you subscribe to his travel blog.  He’s funny and his quirky view of the world and the importance of travel is super fun.

The Adventures of Fanny P.  I love to read Fanny’s posts.  Not just because she lives in Italy and I’m silently living vicariously, but because her writing is real and authentic.  The heartbreak she writes about is real and true and your heartbreaks for her.  When she’s happy and grateful, you remember  the blessings in your life.

So that’s it.  The Queen of Green, Robin Esrock and Fanny P – you’re up.  At least you don’t have to pour a bucket of ice water over your head.  Oh yeah, and send me $100 each.

XO

The R&R Mom

 

 

Sep 2

Lube, Oil and Filter

Since crossing the threshold into 40, regularly scheduled maintenance is something I’ve had to focus on a little more.  There is a lot of mileage on this body (not that kind of mileage you perv… well, maybe a little of that kind) and once you complete the 4th decade, it definitely needs more attention than it used to.

In the chair for regularly scheduled maintenance.

In the chair for regularly scheduled maintenance.

Post baby body has been a real eye opener.  After the arrival of Shorty #1 there was a drastic and clear difference in the bounce back.  But once Shorty #2 arrived on the scene – and I was entering my 40th year – it was a wake up call that we were now well past the point of no return.  In addition to the major lifestyle changes to help take off the accumulated baby weight, the hair was just a little greyer, the skin a little looser and the fine lines and wrinkles just a little more prominent.  Ok – maybe it was a lot more of an issue than I care to admit, but there was no more avoiding it.  Its was time to start a maintenance plan.

The real issue here is when.  With 2 kids, a busy career and a silly travel schedule – how am I supposed to find 2+ hours to sit in a salon for a lube, oil and dye job?  I mean, its a necessity so I find a way.  But its not easy.

I know this is only the start as I begin the investment into middle age.  The creams and lotions and elixirs and serums (Why is it called a serum?  It sounds like some potion created by an evil villain to transform all the villagers into mindless slaves.) all ringing in at literally hundreds of dollars an ounce.  All claiming to deliver the fountain of youth and literally erase the signs of aging.  FYI – NONE of them really work.  Sure they work for a while, but it never lasts.  So its really just cash down the drain.  Hydration is the only thing that really helps.  Right cosmetic companies?  That’s the real truth isn’t it?  Genetics and hydration.

Even Botox only lasts for a while.  The only permanent solution is going under the knife but that scares the living shit out of me.

So I’ll stick with the dye job, send gratitude to the side of the family that gave me youthful looking chubby cheeks and curse the side that gave me these new jowls.