Category Archives: D-BAD

Dec 19

D-BAD: The Holiday Edition

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Oh the weather outside is frightful and the fire is so delightful, but I’m heading out to buy cough syrup and wrapping paper.  ‘Tis the season as they say…

Its been a while since my last edition of D-BAD aka Don’t Be A Douche.  Today’s post pays tribute (or lack there of) to a number of things that are making life interesting during this most wonderful time of the year.

To The Brand New Zit On My Chin:

Thank you for deciding to appear NOW just in time for the busy holiday social season.  You could have had the decency to wait until after New Year’s when social plans will consist of a guaranteed pyjama day?  But NOOOO.  Why NOW? Could you just work your way out of my system fast?  OK?  Got that you disgusting blemish – DON’T BE A DOUCHE.

To My Car:

You know I love you and you have been the most reliable bucket of bolts for the past 7 years.  Plus you have the best stereo I own.  But why won’t you start?  What’s the deal?  Did I do something wrong?  I take you for regular maintenance.  I make sure your gas tank is always full.  Aside from the odd coffee cup on the floor in the back seat, I take care of you.  But, like your pal Zit On My Chin – WHY NOW????  Can’t you see it’s Christmas?  Surely you would have some sense of the impending chaos after all the trips to the mall and the amount of times I’ve had to put junk in your trunk (shhhh all you people with dirty minds).  I need you now.  This is not the time to get bitchy.  I love you car, but seriously DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  I’m willing to overlook this little indiscretion if the mechanic sees that this is just one of those glitchy little things that’s easy and cheap to fix.  But if you’re really going to be temperamental we might need to rethink our relationship.

To The Online Shopping Outlet:

Can we have a heart to heart here?  I’m an organized person.  A planner some might say.  I reached out to you in early December and placed several orders for distribution across the country.  I did this in plenty of time so all the packages would arrive well before the big day.  However, completely unbeknownst to me, you are struggling with the volume of purchases and seem to be unable to ship items for 7-8 days.  So that means the shipping estimate you gave me will take another full week or more than I expected.  Now the gifts may not make it in time.  In this case, you’ve already been a douche.  So thanks for that.

So there you have it.  Three current objects of my derision this holiday season.  I’m sure you have one or two as well.  Thanks for letting me vent.

XO

The R&R Mom

 

 

Sep 10

D-BAD: Grocery Store People

D-BAD aka DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Each week I get to call out someone/ someplace or something for being a total DOUCHEBAG.  Its when I get to vent and take out my frustration on whatever makes me nuts each week, are you in?  Feel free to share your D-BAD’S anytime!

Dear Grocery Store People:

This is all pretty simple.  Every week we get together, always at your place.  I bring piles of cash that I give to you in exchange for a lot of stuff.  I ask for very little in return except for just a couple very small obvious things…

1. Please don’t sell me food that is rotten.  Sure, it could be like a party game – did I get the lucky box of strawberries that’s all moldy in the centre?  I mean sometimes this happens and you don’t even know.  But when you have to forensically inspect every lick of produce before its in the cart, we kind of have a problem.

2. Hand sanitizer.  Please put it EVERYWHERE.   At the very least keep it around the raw meat – but everywhere would be preferred.  I mean, there is nothing more repulsive than picking up a pack of chicken dripping with bloody chicken juice.  I know I’m a germaphobe – but I am pretty sure I’m not alone in this.

That’s it.  That’s all I ask.  So listen Grocery Store People.  Get your shit together and DON’T BE A DOUCHE.

Love,

The R&R Mom

Aug 29

D-BAD: Noisy Cell Talking Lady

D-BAD aka DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Each week I get to call out someone/ someplace or something for being a total DOUCHEBAG.  Its when I get to vent and take out my frustration on whatever makes me nuts each week, are you in?  Feel free to share your D-BAD’S anytime!

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Dear Noisy Cell Talking Lady:

Just when I thought my week might be lacking in D-BAD inspiration, I ran into you in the store today.  The conversation you were having on your cellphone appeared to be riveting.  Not that I was eavesdropping, we merely entered the shoe department to your verbal assault.  I’m sure whoever you were talking about would love to know your thoughts and opinions on their new relationship and be thrilled that you let me, my 7 year old and half the store know that they “hadn’t had sex yet.”  Awesome.  I was actually dying to know… and so was my 7 year old frankly.

It was great to bump into you a second time in the lingerie department while I was searching the discount bin for bargain dainties.   I was riveted to hear your thoughts on the state of yet another poor couple’s relationship as you bellowed across the racks “Why don’t they get a divorce? I mean, gaaawd, why doesn’t he just break it off?”  Because my dear heart, whether he does or does not initiate a divorce with someone is one thousand percent (and that’s not even real math) none of your business or mine or (again) my 7 year old’s or for that matter the old lady shopping for a girdle.  None of us want to know.  But we didn’t have the choice.  You didn’t even give us a choice.

I’m all for talking on the phone while shopping.  Its a lonely business and a ripe opportunity for multi-tasking.  But please, for the love of all things good and holy, don’t be a douche and shut the f%$k up.  Especially if that’s when you feel the need to play the role of Relationship Judgy Judgerson.  The rest of us are not living some Real Housewives of Somewhere life and simply don’t want to know!

Love,

The R&R Mom

 

Aug 20

D-BAD: Airlines

D-BAD aka DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Each week I get to call out someone/ someplace or something for being a total DOUCHEBAG.  Its when I get to vent and take out my frustration on whatever makes me nuts each week, are you in?  Feel free to share your D-BAD’S anytime!

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Dear Airlines:

Can we have a heart to heart about change fees?  I mean, I get it.  If we all changed our reservations all the time willy nilly, it would be a total NIGHTMARE for you.  How could you plan anything?  But the simple fact is that we don’t use you like we did in the good old days. Its not like we’re only flying once every few years for the long saved-for vacation.  In this day and age we actually commute by air.  And that means we fly a lot and when we fly a lot the likelihood of plans changing is very high.

With this in mind, its ok to charge us a small, reasonable fee to make the change and detract from whimsy.  That’s cool.  But the change fee and then an additional fee to compensate for the change in fares?  C’mon.  DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Its the same seat to the same destination.  Why do you have to get so assy and expensive about it?

As it is, we pay hundreds in hidden surcharges and taxes.  That’s cool.  We pay to change our seats.  Ok.  We pay to check a bag.  Sure.  We pay for the glass of wine and crappy sandwich on board.  I get it.  Can you please cut us some slack and let us make a change without having to cash in savings bonds?  I mean, you’re allowed to change itineraries and cancel flights on us and we don’t charge you.  Right?

C’mon airlines.  Don’t be a douche!

Love.

The R&R Mom

 

Aug 16

D-BAD: Gene Simmons

D-BAD aka DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Each week I get to call out someone/ someplace or something for being a total DOUCHEBAG.  Its when I get to vent and take out my frustration on whatever makes me nuts each week, are you in?  Feel free to share your D-BAD’S anytime!

Dear Gene Simmons:

Oh wait, nevermind, you already are a douche. I won’t waste my time.

Love,
The R&R Mom

Aug 13

D-BAD: Social Media Trolls

D-BAD aka DON’T BE A DOUCHE.  Each week I get to call out someone/ someplace or something for being a total DOUCHEBAG.  Its when I get to vent and take out my frustration on whatever makes me nuts each week, are you in?  Feel free to share your D-BAD’S anytime!

Dear Social Media Trolls:

Way to go for trolling on a poor, grieving woman’s social media pages and sending her photoshopped negative images of her recently deceased father.  I’m sure it must give you such a feeling of satisfaction knowing that an already devastated human being is even more unimaginably broken by your actions.  Good for you!

No, not good for you, you little weasel.  How small of a human being do you have to be to treat someone with such utter hatred and disrespect?  Just because her father was a beloved public figure who suffered from a terrible illness, doesn’t give you the right to make what must be her most hellish days even worse.

Someone should kick you hard and square in your “bathing suit” area and knock you in the head to try and put some sense in there.  Or better yet, when you experience your darkest day someone should mock and belittle your tragedy.  Maybe then and only then can you know what true suffering looks like and why as a real true member of the human race, your actions on this day are so deplorable.

Love (because you must really need it),

The R&R Mom and probably every other human being on this planet with any sense of decency at all.