Oh the weather outside is frightful and the fire is so delightful, but I’m heading out to buy cough syrup and wrapping paper. ‘Tis the season as they say…
Its been a while since my last edition of D-BAD aka Don’t Be A Douche. Today’s post pays tribute (or lack there of) to a number of things that are making life interesting during this most wonderful time of the year.
To The Brand New Zit On My Chin:
Thank you for deciding to appear NOW just in time for the busy holiday social season. You could have had the decency to wait until after New Year’s when social plans will consist of a guaranteed pyjama day? But NOOOO. Why NOW? Could you just work your way out of my system fast? OK? Got that you disgusting blemish – DON’T BE A DOUCHE.
To My Car:
You know I love you and you have been the most reliable bucket of bolts for the past 7 years. Plus you have the best stereo I own. But why won’t you start? What’s the deal? Did I do something wrong? I take you for regular maintenance. I make sure your gas tank is always full. Aside from the odd coffee cup on the floor in the back seat, I take care of you. But, like your pal Zit On My Chin – WHY NOW???? Can’t you see it’s Christmas? Surely you would have some sense of the impending chaos after all the trips to the mall and the amount of times I’ve had to put junk in your trunk (shhhh all you people with dirty minds). I need you now. This is not the time to get bitchy. I love you car, but seriously DON’T BE A DOUCHE. I’m willing to overlook this little indiscretion if the mechanic sees that this is just one of those glitchy little things that’s easy and cheap to fix. But if you’re really going to be temperamental we might need to rethink our relationship.
To The Online Shopping Outlet:
Can we have a heart to heart here? I’m an organized person. A planner some might say. I reached out to you in early December and placed several orders for distribution across the country. I did this in plenty of time so all the packages would arrive well before the big day. However, completely unbeknownst to me, you are struggling with the volume of purchases and seem to be unable to ship items for 7-8 days. So that means the shipping estimate you gave me will take another full week or more than I expected. Now the gifts may not make it in time. In this case, you’ve already been a douche. So thanks for that.
So there you have it. Three current objects of my derision this holiday season. I’m sure you have one or two as well. Thanks for letting me vent.
The R&R Mom
Well I guess I will not extend my super, duper, spectacular social occasion invite to you now. I don’t need people whispering and pointing at your chin while we try to enjoy very fancy cocktails and small morsels of food. That would make us all uncomfortable…happy wishes missus.
I completely understand. I’m just grateful this muthaf%^ka is on my chin. If it were anywhere near my nose you might mistake me for Rudolph.