If I were independently wealthy, I would be an inventor. Like Doc Brown in Back to the Future, I’d have a nifty little workshop out back of my house. Just no crazy hair or kooky glasses. I mean, I’d be an inventor with style. But seriously, I could invent so many things. Having kids creates so many needs for things. I could win the Nobel Prize for Awesome Gadgets that make a Mom’s life easier. For instance:
A Burnt On Marshmallow Remover for the Glass on Your Gas Fireplace
Right? Do you feel me? How the f%$k am I supposed to get this burnt on sugar off the glass after #2 thought it might be a good idea to try and roast marshmallows on our fully enclosed glass gas fireplace. And that sh#t is just burning on more and more every time we turn the damn thing on. I went at it yesterday for a half an hour with a cloth and it is cooked on.
Imagine this. Its bedtime. Teeth are brushed, PJs are on. Shorty is sufficiently tucked. But wait, something’s missing. Something vital and crucial to a successful bedtime routine. Insert super cute and/ or weird name for your Shorty’s favorite cuddly toy. Its not in the bed, not in the toy box, not in the overflowing stuffy basked (or whatever vessel you choose to store those God forsaken dust collectors). Terror strikes. Where is it??? You frantically retrace your steps of the day. Is it in the car? In the back pack? At the daycare? Or worse… is it completely lost? Some parents are smart enough to have back-ups of the favorites but not with my kids. The favorite changes every few days. How the hell am I supposed to remember who the crowned favorite is today? They all need a geo-tracking device. Then all you need to do is boop boop on your smart phone and the thing starts pinging on a map. I mean, it wouldn’t get you into the daycare at 9:00 in the evening. But at least you’d know where it is. We can start a whole daycare break-in service just to save exhausted parents the trauma and spring those waylaid toys and get them home before you can say “Go the f$%k to sleep.”
Automatic Toilet Cleaner
This is almost self-explanatory. I’m not talking about those lame blue pucks you put in the back of the toilet. I mean a real scrubbing experience because with kids everything goes everywhere. For real. A proper toilet cleaning requires more than simply some disinfecting water swirling around. From the handle to the pedestal and if you have boys then everywhere else in a 5 foot radius needs a proper scouring to be truly effective. And while we’re at it, lets throw in a splash guard for little ones learning to use the potty and need to work on their aim. This could be fabulous for boys and girls. Think about it. I need this. You NEED this!
Morning Kid Mover
This device would be able to detect what parts of the morning routine that your kids have not yet completed. It would make an announcement to remind each kid of what tasks they need to complete before its time to leave for school. I hate mornings. The nagging, the pleading, the begging, the yelling. I would gladly give this task to a machine so I can just be the good guy delivering breakfast. Imagine:
8:15am “First born child. Please pay attention. You must complete the following in the next 15 minutes. Eat breakfast, Brush your teeth, get dressed, pack your school bag, put on your coat and shoes. Please note that it is -15 C, so I recommend that you wear a warm coat, earmuffs and mittens.”
8:20am “First born child. You have not completed any of your morning tasks. You must depart for school in 10 minutes and I calculate that it will take 9 minutes, 30 seconds to complete all necessary tasks.”
8:25am “First born child. You cannot wear pyjamas to school. Your eggs are getting cold. You only have 5 minutes before you must depart for school and you are now in danger of being tardy.”
How awesome would that be??? I would LOVE not having to be the one doing the nagging.
Ahhh yes, I would be the stylish inventor creating to tools to make all of our lives a little easier. A girl can dream, right?