Category Archives: Parenting

Jul 16

Fashionista in Training

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This is Shorty #1.  She is a Fashionista in Training.  As a baby I always liked to dress her like a mini-hipster.  Skinny jeans, converse, t-shirts and hoodies.  She rocked the look very well and happily.  Until one day, she found a dress in her closet and put it on.  From that day forward she dressed herself,  “Mom, I need to wear something beeeeeyooteeeful.”  My little hipster became a true girlie-girl!

Who was I to intervene?  I like that Shorty #1 is self-styled.  Who cares if her version of matching is to wear all stripes (striped dress, striped leggings, striped socks, striped hat).  The fact that the stripes are all varying non-matching colours doesn’t bother her in the least.

Now shopping for her is tricky.  I can’t buy any pants at all – she won’t wear them.  She has a couple pairs of leggings she’ll wear to gymnastics or when riding her bike – but they are always accessorized with a skirt over top.  The dresses need to have a very specific look – as a rule they should twirl well.  Its summer camp season now and she wouldn’t be caught dead in shorts and a t-shirt, not a chance.  Always a dress or skirt and if its the latter the top better be interesting – sparkly or something!

Speaking of accessories, they are not lost on her.  She loves hair bands – ESPECIALLY bows.  Can’t get enough of them.  Every morning we play the hairstyle game:  “Mom, I need a pony.  No a braid.  No two braids.  No, wait – a braid AND a pony.”   Sure!  Why not??

Lately, she’s taken to giving me fashion advice:

#1: “You’re wearing that?”

Me: “Sure, why not?”

#1: “You would look better in a dress.”

She and I went shopping recently to check out the annual Holt Renfrew sale.  (She brought her rolling backpack full of Barbies just in case we needed them.)  In the shoe department we disagreed slightly on what I should try on.  I found these:

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She didn’t really like them very much.  So she went and found me these Miu Mius:

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Disclaimer: In no way did I coach Miss Thing in taking these photos.  Her facial expressions are entirely her own.  As is her styling – Note: satin bow, poplin dress and pull-y backpack full of Barbies.

I’m cool with Shorty #1 expressing her creativity this way.  How can I not be?  She’s kicking my ass with fashion sense!

Jul 11

Adult Conversation

Don't feed the animals...

Don’t feed the animals…

The other day we were out with friends for brunch.  It was a beautiful sunny day and we were entrenched on a patio having a great meal.  The Shorties were with us of course… We tried to carry on an adult (A-dult, not a-DULT) conversation with our pals that we haven’t seen in a while.  It was challenging.  After many tears Shorty #2 managed to pass out in her stroller in the midday heat (woohoo) but this left Shorty #1 looking to be entertained.  “Mom, Mom, Mom” she bellowed across the table.  When I didn’t immediately answer since I was listening intently to our friend recount a story, she yelled louder “Moooooooooommmmmm!!!!”  Apologizing to our friend, I interrupted “Yes?”  She looked me in the eye “I farted.”  Okey dokey, thanks for that.  I’ll alert the media.

We like to include the Shorties in our adult meals and conversations.  I personally think its good education for them to learn by osmosis how to behave in these situations.  I think it helps kids develop their own opinion and can give them the confidence to share their thoughts in a group.  However, while they develop their inner monologue and hone the fine art of conversation they continue to share topics that are not exactly ideal for dinner parties.

Luckily, our friends who don’t have kids of their own have been exceedingly patient with our Shorties, welcoming them into the fold and encouraging their participation in the conversations.  For this I am grateful for the part they play in the kids education.  But it can be trying for them I’m sure as it can take several attempts to actually finish a story, if at all.  For this I apologize.  My post-partum brain after 2 babies hasn’t bounced back as well as I would have liked so I often struggle to stay on the topic and return to the story once interrupted.  I’m working on that!  Perhaps I’ll keep a notepad handy so I can jot down where we left off when the Shorties interject!

Jul 3

Kids TV

We let our kids watch TV.  Don’t judge.  We all do it.  Otherwise dinner wouldn’t get made, laundry wouldn’t get folded and conference calls would never happen.  TV can be a great distraction for the kids.  But the truth is, its like crack for them.  Once they get a little taste, they want it… all the time.  Shorty #1 will stop any misbehaving the second anyone breathes she will lose movies for the rest of the day.  Shorty #2 has already conquered the iPad and knows how to open Netflix and start an episode of Dora all on her own – and she’s 2!

We are working on reducing screen time for the little monkeys as much as possible but truth be told my own personal opinion (which is not based in ANY scientific research so don’t yell at me) is that there is some good screen time to be had, like Sesame Street or any of the other PBS Kids programming.  To me that’s actually time well spent as early childhood educators are overseeing the crafting of the content and the kids love it.  Some of the apps for iPads/ iPhones can be super* educational (*super in this case is a subjective quantitative description) like Preschool Memory Match (a matching game) and Endless Alphabet (letter and shape recognition).  Some are just fun like the Elmo Monster Maker or Little Bella’s I Close My Eyes.

The real trouble with kids TV programming is the amount of absolute crap that’s being spoonfed to the kids.  Dora is one of the worst.  #2 can’t get enough Dora and is always reminding us that Swiper shouldn’t swipe.  But man, its factually incorrect MOST of the time, yet she is riveted.  Or how about Max and that Bitch Ruby.  Where the hell are their parents?  Ruby is parenting Max and she’s a total shrew!  Don’t even get me started on the other crap coming out of Nickelodeon – where the cartoon kids come with a serious attitude (I’m looking at you Fairly Odd-Parents).

The truth is – my generation grew up watching television far worse than some of the kids programming that can be found today.  How about Bugs Bunny?  Poor Elmer Fudd with his speech impediment out hunting (and shooting) a rabbit.  The Wiley Coyote chasing a Roadrunner only to be violently beaten at every (literal) turn.  Even Sesame Street has box sets of some of their original seasons that come with disclaimers on how they are not suitable for children.  In those days Snufflelupagus was still imaginary and Cookie Monster still actually ate cookies.  I watched all these shows relentlessly and I didn’t turn into an axe murderer and still managed to complete a university education.

Nevertheless, we are working hard to reduce the screen time our kids experience.  It is arguably more frequent since the access is so easy with portable devices.  Thankfully summer is upon us and we can send the kids out into the fresh air.  I think it would be cool if someone started a Summer Camp Screen Time Rehab for kids.

Jun 25

The Hairy Eyeball

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The hairy eyeball.  Its happened to all of us.  That moment when you catch someone staring at you – the up and down.   My Mom calls it “unzipping”.  My reaction is to always go negative – they must think my outfit is stupid, they notice the chipped nail polish, the zit on my chin, the peanut butter finger prints around my knees, the bad hair day.  Or worse, the way I’m handling my kids, the food in my grocery cart, the difficult business call I am taking on my cell.  I always go negative and assume the worst.

The truth is however, if its me doing the staring its generally positive – a cute haircut, nice outfit or impressive feat of juggling that has caught my attention.  I notice myself doing the staring and feel remorse.  Its at those moments I wish it was socially acceptable to yell at strangers:

“Hey – I love your hair!  Who cuts it for you?  Did you need a flat iron to get that look?”

“OMG those shoes are fantastic.  They look amazing with those pants.  I wish I could pull that off.  Good for you.”

“You are amazing.  You’re carrying your toddler on your shoulders, juggling bags and groceries and are heading home to start cooking dinner.  You are my hero and you deserve a medal!”

I fantasize sometimes when driving the car or pushing the shopping cart that I can hurl these compliments on the unsuspecting women passing by.  Social conventions prevent me from doing so, but next time you see me staring you can be assured that I think you’re awesome!

Jun 21

Dinner.

Fine dining with Shorty #2

Fine dining with Shorty #2

Who knew a meal could be such a pain in the ass!  Seriously.  Every day around 1pm as I sit down to lunch I realize I haven’t done a damn thing about dinner.  Next follows the mad panic to figure it out.  The daily hunting and gathering is a constant irritation which provides nothing but stress… oh yeah and in the end sustenance.

We roll in the door sometime between 5:45 and 6 – the kids are starved, we’re pooped and bedtime is just around the corner.  The first order of business is pulling together some sort of quasi-healthy, hopefully palatable meal that will please 2 kids and 2 adults.  And to think we can face this incredible challenge not once a week – but 5 nights in a row.  Awesome!

I know what you’re thinking – make a plan, cook ahead, yada yada yada.  Tried it all – the simple fact of the matter is that no matter how organized we can be on this front, I’m still the person who hits the supermarket during the after work commute hoping to find something for dinner!  Don’t even get me started on groceries – that my friends is a whole other blog!

We have successfully followed a cook ahead plan – a freezer full of curries and soups has been a blessing – but man, I’m BORED of chicken soup.  The nightly meal plan (Mon – Chicken, Tues – Pasta etc) never works.  Who wants to live life so rigidly?  Not to mention the long term planning that needs to go into those menus.

So here we are again, 1pm and I’m texting J – “what do you feel like for supper?” and the response follows one of 3 routes.

1. “I have no idea.  Whatever you want is fine.”  Which translates to: “I have no idea so you think of something.”

2. “Let’s have soup.” Which translates to a pantry lucky dip.

3. “Take out?”  Which translates to “Take out.”

We’re lucky, we live in a great foodie city and can order cheap, fantastic and bonus – healthy food on the way home.  We eat sushi like its McDonald’s in this town.  However, we can’t do this every night.  So begins the conversation – pasta?  No.  Chicken?  No.  Delicious braised lamb with couscous and white bean ragout?  Are you kidding me?  I wish.

This doesn’t even factor in the curve ball of Shorty #1.  A great eater initially, #1 has grown pickier in her old age.  She loves a finely grilled hot dog or a delicate macaroni with cheese.  Occasionally she enjoys a beautiful cheese pizza.  She goes absolutely crazy when anything comes served in a sauce (save for her beloved pasta of course).  We are trying to re-broaden her culinary horizons, but so far this continues to be an uphill battle.

Shorty #2 is far less… discerning.  She will venture into the more exotic territories of the spice route with curries and other savoury dishes.  But she too has her moods and sometimes only scrambled eggs and bapbap (aka ketchup) will do.

So how do we plan a meal for 4 that will appeal to all?  That is sauce, gluten and dairy free.  That tastes amazing to everyone and won’t contribute to our culinary ennui.  Beats me – but whoever figures this out should win the Nobel Prize!

Jun 19

Come on Vogue…

The Cannes Red Carpet - that's my back.

The Cannes Red Carpet – that’s my back.

I’m really lucky.  In my line of work I get to attend some great events.  Fancy do’s with beautiful people and spare no expense excess.  It can be a lot of fun – but I always face the same problem (get ready – this is one of those problems that falls in the “My diamond shoes are too tight” category).  I never know what to wear.

The Red Carpet at the Cannes Film Festival.  The black-tie Kennedy Centre Honors.  Fancy cocktail party outside the Louvre in Paris.  Really, what do I care.  The paparazzi aren’t photographing me.  But nevertheless, I’m a woman and I care about fashion and how I look.  So how on earth do I handle caviar styles with a mac and cheese budget?   All these events are populated by well-heeled attendees who are particularly well-heeled in their Christian Laboutins and couture.  I on the other hand will be wearing something from the Spring 2000 line of The Gap (Black Magic strikes again?) and accessories courtesy of Joe Fresh.

For the record, I always buy my accessories at the local Superstore with the Joe Fresh capsule shop.  Here’s how it goes:

“I love that necklace.”

“Oh this old thing.  I picked it up while buying avocados and diapers.”

Classy, right?  Super fancy.  But its actually ok.  I would love a beautiful couture dress, don’t get me wrong.  But the reality is, I don’t live in the champagne and caviar world.  I just visit it occasionally.

However, on my last business trip to Paris I was given a treat – a beautiful dress from Lanvin.  I couldn’t believe the generosity and was truly touched by the gesture.  This dress is a beaut!  A pretty colour with the perfect drape.  Perhaps I could get used to a little high fashion in my wardrobe after all.

A selfie of the new dress...

A selfie of the new dress…

A little something from Lanvin

A little something from Lanvin

 

Jun 6

Honesty is the Best Policy

Check out that poker face.

Check out that poker face.

My 6 year old (aka Shorty #1) has always been brutally honest.  The art of lying has (thankfully) been completely lost on her.  She recently learned that perhaps bending the truth was the ideal way to get out of a sticky situation – but she has a terrible poker face and I can always tell:

Me: “Did you hit your sister?”

Shorty #1: “No”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Shorty #1: “Umm, no.”

Me: “Do you want to change your answer?”

Shorty #1: “She was bugging me!!!”

I know I should be happy about Shorty’s honesty.  Hopefully she’ll remain a terrible liar into her teens.  That’ll make my life MUCH easier.  The only trouble is that right now, she doesn’t just speak the truth – the kid is BRUTALLY HONEST.

For instance, last night I was bustling around with the usual evening pre-bedtime rituals – kitchen tidying, kid bathing, teeth brushing, vitamin dosing, toilet paper roll changing, blind closing – you know typical mom duties.  All the while counting down the tasks til I could get into my own pj’s and crawl between the sheets.  Shorty stops me and says “Mom, you know you look really old.”

WHAT?  Are you freaking kidding me with that?  I LOOK OLD?

And it doesn’t stop there.  This is the same kid who comes in for a hug and stops, squeezing my belly saying “Mom.  Your belly is sooooo squishy!!”

Excellent.

So, swallowing my pride I take Shorty #1’s honesty and smile, moving on to the next topic of conversation.  I can’t argue with the truth – let’s just hope it lasts.

May 27

Dear Random Lady

Dear Random Lady I Met at a Party,

Thank you for taking the time to assess my ability to manage my work life and parenthood.  I appreciate your unsolicited opinion on whether I am able to sufficiently care for my kids while working, in your assessment, 17 hour days.  It was incredible to hear your views on the time I spend telecommuting as you seem to be an expert in the field.  I particularly enjoyed your statement that I wasn’t really there for my kids if I was working remotely.

Our 90 second conversation where you initially confused me with someone else was clearly sufficient time for you to accurately determine the health of my relationship with my kids and my husband.  It was also plenty of time for you to fully comprehend both my professional and parenting styles.

Since you have such a prescient viewpoint of how I live my life, you may enjoy reading my blogs to see if your evaluations are correct.  Might I suggest What Do You Do or you may see something more in tune with your own proclivities for mothering in I am, I am, I am Supermom.  I personally would like to recommend Profoundly Profane.  Then you’ll learn the incredible restraint and composure I enacted at said party when I didn’t tell you to mind your own f$&!ing business.

Love,

The Rock and Roll Mom

May 22

Barbie Needs a Job

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When Shorty #1 was born, I vowed we would be those parents that supplied their kids with only good toys.  You know…

1. Toys that educate

2. Toys that are ethically made

3. Toys that are environmentally friendly

4. Toys that are gender neutral

You get the idea.

Fast forward 6 years and you’ll see how impossible it was to stick with the plan.  In that time Toys R Us crept into the picture, as did hand me down toys, as did Disney.   The Polly Pockets invaded and now we’re swimming in a sea of tiny little rubber dresses (for what I guess are little Polly Pocket fetishes).

What could we do?  Sheltering our kids from the reality of the corporate machine that monetizes and markets every TV show and movie franchise with the toys that go with them is an uphill battle.  Especially when they start preschool.  Shorty #1 loves it all.  Who are we tell her not to – all we can do is try and educate her.

So as we discuss the merits of children’s toys, let us jump with both feet into the dialogue about Barbies, shall we?  While I do agree with the argument regarding Barbie propagating unrealistic body images for little girls, I for one played with Barbies growing up and never seemed to notice her shape.  What I did notice was her imaging.

Warning: here’s where I climb up on my soapbox.

I will only contribute to the Barbie franchise IF said Barbie has an actual profession.  Please note that the world’s oldest profession does not count!

Yes, I am sick and tired of Barbies dressed like prostitutes playing role model to our little girls.  If I’m forking over cash for a Barbie she has to have a real job.  Chef Barbie, Teacher Barbie, Dentist Barbie, Computer Programmer Barbie – all of these are ok.  Hell, even Malibu Barbie is a pro-surfer.  I can accept that.  I want to see Lawyer Barbie in an Armani suit or better yet Supreme Court Justice Barbie in robes – that would be amazing.  Nuclear physicist Barbie perhaps or even Entrepreneur Barbie complete with tech conference badge and elevator pitch in hand.

Having a profession is really the tip of the iceberg. Barbie needs to be dressed for the job.  Tell me, why does poor Barbie always have to have her feet positioned in a 180 degree angle to fit into heels?  Really, don’t you think Chef Barbie would be better off with a pair of sensible Crocs?  She could slip on some foie gras in those heels and break her tiny little neck.  Or Dog-Walker Barbie – heels for that job – as if.  Imagine if you will Barbie careening down the street with 5 dogs pulling her along in those shoes.  Wait til they get to the dog park – she’ll be on her ass in no time.

Don’t even get me started on the short skirts and plunging necklines.  I don’t think that a real Dentist wears a micro-mini when seeing back to back patients.  Are you listening Mattel?  Oh and if you are listening, perhaps you could add a few extra millimetres to her waistline while you’re at it?

May 16

Profoundly Profane

I f@#%ing LOVE to swear.  Always have.  I mean it, I f@#%ing LOVE it.

As a rather tightly wound, type-a personality with a penchant for absorbing and experiencing stress – swearing gives me a chance to blow off a little steam.  Who’s kidding who – swearing is f@#%ing cathartic!

Trouble is, with the arrival of the Shorties we have had to curtail the swearing around the house. F@#%!  Seriously, having kids only creates MORE opportunity to swear.  Examples:

1. You just spilled yogurt into the gear shift of my car.  S#*&!

2. All bundled up to leave the house and someone poops.  B@lls!

3. The SuperMom at school drop off lays the guilt trip about you missing the next field trip because you have to work.  B+^$#!!!

See?  So many opportunities when a good F-bomb would help ease the pain, but NO.  Our little dears are still in the throes of language acquisition and what if they (GOD FORBID) dropped a little F@#% you to the preschool teacher – all those years of good parenting and behaviour modelling goes straight out the window.

The real trouble is when I get home from being on the road.  The music business isn’t exactly… dainty… EVERYONE swears… A LOT!  I have to get all my swearing out on the plane.  I have to be so cautious not to let one slip when I’m back in the family fold and when I do I have to start rhyming to cover up. TRUCK, LUCK, SHUCKS.  HIT, BIT, WIT.  ITCH, SNITCH, WITCH.  TRAP, FLAP, CHAP.

In our house we have some emphatic substitutes.  They aren’t very creative but they work.  For instance a long drawn out EFFFFFFFF can ease the pain.

A friend once sent me the best book ever “Depraved and Insulting English” by Peter Novobatzky and Ammon Shea.  Its full of swears that no one knows.  So I can swear away when the kids are around and they don’t bat an eye!  Words like:

Gundygut /GUN dee gut/ n – an offensive, mannerless eater.  As in “YOU GUNDYGUT”

Shilpit /SHILL pit/ adj – Feable, puny or sickly.  Weak, good for nothing, watered down.  As in “THAT’S SHILPIT”

Or when stretched for a quick retort, one can always pick-up the quote made famous by Will Ferrell in the movie Elf – “SON OF A NUTCRACKER.”

The truth is, finding a satisfying way to let the swears fly just takes is a little f@#%ing creativity.