The Hairy Eyeball

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The hairy eyeball.  Its happened to all of us.  That moment when you catch someone staring at you – the up and down.   My Mom calls it “unzipping”.  My reaction is to always go negative – they must think my outfit is stupid, they notice the chipped nail polish, the zit on my chin, the peanut butter finger prints around my knees, the bad hair day.  Or worse, the way I’m handling my kids, the food in my grocery cart, the difficult business call I am taking on my cell.  I always go negative and assume the worst.

The truth is however, if its me doing the staring its generally positive – a cute haircut, nice outfit or impressive feat of juggling that has caught my attention.  I notice myself doing the staring and feel remorse.  Its at those moments I wish it was socially acceptable to yell at strangers:

“Hey – I love your hair!  Who cuts it for you?  Did you need a flat iron to get that look?”

“OMG those shoes are fantastic.  They look amazing with those pants.  I wish I could pull that off.  Good for you.”

“You are amazing.  You’re carrying your toddler on your shoulders, juggling bags and groceries and are heading home to start cooking dinner.  You are my hero and you deserve a medal!”

I fantasize sometimes when driving the car or pushing the shopping cart that I can hurl these compliments on the unsuspecting women passing by.  Social conventions prevent me from doing so, but next time you see me staring you can be assured that I think you’re awesome!

You Are What You Eat

It's not me it's you, cheese and bread.

It’s not me it’s you, cheese and bread.

Its been 65 days since I gave up wheat, dairy and sugar.  Sounds horrendous (in a first world problem sort of way) I know.  But really, I kinda like it.  I’ve lost over 10 pounds and according to J – I’m not as gassy.  (That’s true love right?  When your partner notices your new eating regiment by the amount of gas you are or are not passing).  Is that TMI?  We all do it right?  Don’t try and make it seem like YOU don’t!

I always avoided cleanses and elimination diets like the plague.  But I felt I needed to shake it up this time and really cut out the bad habit foods that I lived on – I’m looking at you delicious granola.  It hasn’t been as hard as I would have thought.  When I do sneak a little treat here and there, I pay for it later.  Who knew that one small morsel of chocolate birthday cake could reek such havoc on the digestive tract.

The question is, now what do I do.  I am pretty sure that gluten was my secret enemy.  So it can piss off.  Luckily every grocery store these days offers lots of gluten free alternatives.  I really dig quinoa and rice cakes are kinda yummy (I know what you’re thinking, “whatever weirdo”).  But do I let dairy back in?  Or do I continue to ban milk.  And sugar.  That’s a whole other deal.  What do we do about sugar?  Are we breaking up… forever?  Maybe not forever.  Maybe I can cheat on sugar with its less refined friends?  Well hello maple syrup, perhaps you’re not just for breakfast anymore?  This is where its tricky.  I’m kind of scared to let any of this unholy trinity of food back into my life.  What will happen?  Will I pull a Roker?  Or do I stay the course and hope some new study doesn’t come out refuting the health benefits of quinoa?

At least eating plans are so common these days, you no longer get the hairy eyeball from waitresses who need a whole pad of paper to take down your lunch order and all the subsequent modifications.  I’m heading out on the road next week.  I guess we’ll really see how all this will go down when I’m faced with tour eating habits.  Must resist the late night pizza.  Cannot order a clubhouse sandwich from room service.

If you’re wondering, red wine and coffee get to stay.  I think we’re destined for a life long love affair.